Part of the dating process is learning a lot about someone in a short span of time. And one of the best ways to do that is to ask for directions to your first date site.

The landmarks people use will usually tell you something about where their true interests lie.

I first noticed this years ago when I asked a chubby elder gent for directions to a church.

“As you’re headed down Main Street,” he told me, “you’ll pass a large donut shop with a big pink sign. Keep going. When you get to Brown Street, there’s a little pastry shop on the corner. Turn right. Go a little further and you’ll see Benny’s Bakery and the church is right beyond that.”

I’ve tried this many times and it’s always a winner. Some men use taverns as landmarks, a few use churches and my favorite was the fellow who mentioned a topless bar and a triple-x bookstore as his two points of reference.

It’s a fun way to learn quickly what landmarks people are paying attention to!

When people hear that I’ve had 70 first dates, their reactions are varied and usually interesting. The married women cozy up to me and in a tone that can only be described as slightly voyeuristic, they whisper, “What was it like to have so many dates?” The married men snort out a laugh and say things like, “You must have been a busy girl.”

The single women adopt a serious tone and look deep into my eyes and say, “Which dating site would you recommend?”

Between Eharmony and Match.com, I much preferred Match.com and that is where I met my last first date.  I like Match because you’re in the driver’s seat and that’s appealing to us proactive types. At Eharmony, I met several so-called “Christian” men who had the morals of an alley cat. Not impressive.

I wasn’t looking for a fling and I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life dating men (or even one man). I was looking for a man who shared my interests and shared my morals and shared my ideas about life in general. I wanted a man who wanted a life-long romantic partner.

From 2003 - 2005, I was a semi-regular, somewhat faithful subscriber at eHarmony. That’s where I met the semi-retired hand-surgeon (and self-professed “good Christian”) who took me for a ride on his sailboat, and invested a lot of time and effort in convincing me that he was wonderful and then dropped me lot a hot rock. That’s also where I met the other “good Christian” (my 32nd date), who told me that I wasn’t pretty enough for him, but asked if we could just get together and have hot sex from time to time. He earned himself his own chapter, which I titled, “Good Christian Man Seeks Good Christian Woman for Friday Night Booty Call.”

For about 90 days, a male friend keep me apprised of his matches at eHarmony.com. During that time, I also kept track of my matches at this website. A week-by-week comparison consistently showed that he was getting eight-to-ten times more matches than I was. In other words, there were eight to ten times more women than men at eHarmony.com.

I did not fare well at eHarmony.  During one 90-subscription period, I received 11 matches and way too many of them “closed communications” before I could even shoot them a quick note. My male friend received more than 100 matches during this same time period.  I asked my friend why these guys were “closing” communications before we’d even “met” and he said, “I’m inundated and overwhelmed with ‘matches’ and I don’t have time to investigate all of them. I just pick the best looking in the bunch.”

There’s a lot wrong with that sentence, but that’s another blog for another day. Suffice it to say, there are a lot of fishies in the Match.com stream. That’s a big plus. And Match.com introduced me to my favorite fishie.

Next:  How to read between the lines when reading men’s profiles.

Want to read about something different? How about an article on how the germ theory changed American architecture - almost overnight!

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Match.com worked for me!

On May 20, 2006, I met my 70th first date at a coffee shop in Portsmouth, Virginia. Less than 90 days later, we were officially engaged to be married. Our wedding date was set for January 1st. Those were some of the happiest days of my life. Being mired in romantic love was every bit as delicious as I’d imagined it would be.

The best part was knowing that my dating days were behind me and also knowing that I’d survived my last lonely Christmas. In years prior, I’d gone to desperate measures to avoid the emotional pain of being utterly alone on Christmas Day. One especially memorable Christmas, I asked my ex in-laws if I could come to their house and watch my children unwrap their many presents. It was awkward and odd, but it was the best I could do that particular year and frankly, it was far better than being alone. (In another post, I wrote about the culture of loneliness.)

And then came Christmas 2006, my first post-divorce, pair-bonded Christmas event. A few days before Christmas, my soon-to-be husband and I walked through Macarthur Mall on our way to the movies. Our youngest daughters (his and mine) walked side-by-side in front of us. He and I held hands as we walked and I leaned over to him and said, “Isn’t it nice to be here with our little girls and be a family again?”

With his voice cracking with emotion he said, “I was just thinking the same thing.”
This man, my 70th first date, my fiance, had been single for 10 years after his divorce. I’m sure he knew about lonely holidays, too.

A few days before Christmas he sent me a text message that said, “It is a sheer joy to have this holiday season with you.”

Ditto.

Christmas 2008 at our home in Virginia

And so many people have asked me, “Why do you think of yourself as ugly?”

The short answer is, I don’t.

However,  during my years in the world of internet dating, at least two dozen men rejected me because (they said)  they didn’t feel “chemistry” or I didn’t have “The Look.” As most experienced female daters know, this is a frightfully indelicate way of saying, “You’re not pretty enough for my tastes.”

I chose the title of my book with much forethought and care. And I chose the word “ugly” because I know so many women who gave up on internet dating after experiencing the persistent and ruthless assault on their self-esteem. The book, in fact, is not about ugly women, per se.

It’s about the fact that in this internet dating culture, women are judged first and foremost by their thumbnail profile picture, often to the exclusion of all else. That’s what it’s really about.

And what can you really learn about someone’s character, integrity, maturity or goodness by looking at ¾” picture?

Nothing.

Back in the day, we met through church gatherings, the workplace, social organizations or common friends. And in those settings, you could really learn about a person; their likes and dislikes, their integrity and behavior and intellect and capabilities.  And that’s a far better way to get to know someone.

For years and years, we taught our children that one should never judge a book by its cover, yet now we’ve created a system of pair-bonding that does just that. During the time that I was dating, I felt like I was being browsed. I wanted to find a man that’d decide I was worth more than a cursory glance at my “cover.” I wanted to be studied.

And ultimately, I found that man. As I look at this experience in the rear-view mirror, I feel sympathy for my women  friends who did not have the courage or resolve to endure as much rejection as I endured. Finding a suitable mate shouldn’t be so rife with heart-ache, disappointment and rejection. Unfortunately, for the less-than-beautiful woman, internet dating is no fun whatsoever.

And all because - it would appear - that society has taught men that women should be judged by their cover.

File this one under the heading, “I told you that dating is hard on the psyche!”

Yeah, it’s true.  A little Asian fellow who goes by the name “Sal” married Nene Anegasaki, a character in the video game “Love Plus.”

Read the whole story here:  Warning!  There’s an accompanying video of their big day here, too.

After you watch this, be prepared to pop in your old VHS edition of It’s a Wonderful Life or some other happy, wholesome movie. You’ll need a video palate cleanse after watching Sal and Nene tie the knot.

I only have one question: Does this means he’s an adulterer if he plays other video games?

The poet Robert Frost wrote, “Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.”

In my case, the desire to be irresistibly desired is what inspired me to keep slogging through those 70 first dates. That’s a lot of dates with a lot of strange men, and trust me, these were some pretty strange men. Dating is an awkward affair and for the woman who thinks of herself as “less than beautiful” it can be emotional torture.

As much as I disliked dating, there was something I liked even less: The idea of living alone and growing old alone and being alone for the rest of my life. The independent, strong-hearted, intellectually-minded, career-driven feminist in me wanted to prove that I didn’t need no stinkin’ man, but the irresistible desires of my soul trumped all the intellectual wrangling.

I wanted to be irresistibly desired. I wanted to know how it felt to be mired in romantic love. I wanted to find someone that would love me unconditionally. The first two were reasonable goals, but the third may have been an overreach. Do spouses love unconditionally? Before you answer, think about this. Could you love your spouse if they caused harm to a child? Could you love your spouse if they committed a heinous act?

Unless you’re a real saint, the answer is probably, “No.” And most saints don’t marry.

In the book, Dogs Never Lie About Love, author Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson tells about a man who put his dog into a small boat, and rowed out into the deep waters of the Seine. Hoping to drown the poor beastie, he threw him overboard. It seems that this was 19th Century euthanasia for ridding oneself of unwanted dogs. The desperate animal tried repeatedly to climb back into the boat, but the owner forced the dog’s head under water again and again. This went on for a time, until the owner lost his balance and fell headfirst into the dark water.

“As soon as the faithful dog saw his master in the water, he left the boat, and held him above water till help arrived from the shore, and his life was saved” (p. 25).

This dog’s love for his master gives a beautiful and powerful picture of unconditional love, or perfect love. It’s a love that flows and grows, completely independent of the opinions, emotions, reactions, responses or hatred of others.

I am happy to report that I am now irresistibly desired by Date #70, aka Wayne. And thanks to him, I now know how it feels to be mired in romantic love. But as my friend Margee says, “You can’t get everything you need from one person.”

As for my desire to be loved unconditionally, I did what any right thinking woman would do.

I got a little dog.

And this silly little quadruped does indeed love me unconditionally. It’s mighty nice.