None that I can tell.

There’s a popular website where you can post pictures of your face and/or your body (in parts or as a whole) and then wait for others to rate your physical attractiveness and desirability.

Posting a head-shot at an internet dating site is just another version of “rate this face” but with much deeper ramifications. If you’re judged and found wanting at a public website, you’ll get a low score from the peanut gallery. If your face is judged unattractive at an internet dating site, the ramifications are far more grievous: You could be alone for the rest of your life.

The process of posting my pictures online for the entire world to judge was agonizingly painful and the steady stream of rejections that followed multiplied my pain tenfold. Despite all that pain, there was really only one thing that I hated even more than rejection:  Loneliness.

Many mornings and evenings, I’d plop down at my computer and log into my account, only to find those three dreaded words at the top of the web page: No new emails. Each time those words appeared, it felt like yet another “I don’t think you’re very attractive” vote from some anonymous man out there on the world-wide web.

Each day that my email inbox remained empty was a bold affirmation that yes, I really was as unattractive as I had feared. That was on my better days. On my not-so-good days, the empty inbox brought forth a torrent of tears and a growing dread that I was destined to spend the rest of my life alone, just because of my less-than-average physical appearance.

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My 59th first date and I were having a lovely dinner together when that question popped into my head. I believe in guardian angels and I believe that it’s wise to pay attention to those ideas that seem to just “pop into my head.”

Yet to all appearances, this guy was as safe as they come.  He had a prestigious job and he was a member of several impressive social organizations and he seemed to be an upstanding citizens in all regards.

There’s a wonderful book called, The Gift of Fear which I highly recommend as a primer for any woman who plans to date. The author tells story after story where women “knew something wasn’t right” but couldn’t put their finger on it, and eventually came to learn that their intuitive sense had been spot-on. The Gift of Fear explains that we are biological systems hard-wired to survive and that we must learn to pay better attention to those pokes and prods from that “inner-knowing” or natural intuitive sense.

Even having read that book twice, I still surprised myself with my bold question.

As soon as that question had left my lips, I thought to myself, “Holy cow, did I just say that out loud?”

I was even more shocked at his answer:  Yes. His first wife had taken out a restraining order when he tampered with the engine in her car. He was mad, it seems, and he wanted to get even. And then this seemingly calm man launched into a surprise diatribe that began with, “That woman is such a bitch…”

Since then, I’ve asked that question when it seemed appropriate. You might be as surprised as I was at how many men answer, Yes.

In her powerful book Revolution From Within, Gloria Steinem points out that on Valentines Day 1991, a judge in Knoxville, Tennessee issued 30 applications for marriage licenses, 60 applications for divorce and 90 restraining orders.

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I’ve read lots of books on internet dating and none of them talked about paying attention to subtle clues. I’ve read that 70% of language is non-verbal. In other words, 70% of our communication comes from paying attention to subtle clues and body language.

During my five years in the dating world, I learned several interesting techniques for learning more about that potential someone. One of those tips is ridiculously simple:  Always ask for directions.

When making a plan as to where to meet you date, always ask for directions. I don’t care if you know the city like the back of your hand, go ahead and ask for directions. The landmarks people use will usually tell you something about where their true interests lie.

I first noticed this years ago when I asked a chubby elder gent for directions to a church.

“As you’re headed down Main Street,” he told me, “you’ll pass a large donut shop with a big pink sign. Keep going. When you get to Brown Street, there’s a little pastry shop on the corner. Turn right. Go a little further and you’ll see Benny’s Bakery and the church is right beyond that.”

I’ve tried this many times and it’s always a winner. Some men use taverns as landmarks, a few use churches and my favorite was the fellow who mentioned a topless bar and a triple-x bookstore as his two points of reference.

Sometimes, it’s the little things that tell you everything you need to know.

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