From the 1934 Ladies’ Home Journal comes this not-so-subtle message that if you don’t immediately purchase Djer-Kiss perfume, the only lovin’ you’ll get is when you kiss yourself in the mirror. Then again, if a fella catches you doing this, you can also kiss your dating life good-bye.

Or maybe (after a third read of the text below), the message is, “Buy this perfume and you’ll be so irresistible, you won’t be able to resist your own beautiful self.”

Not sure which message is more disturbing…

People in general and women in particular have great difficulty telling people, “No.” As a result, we get worn down, stresssed out, double-booked and overwhelmed. It’s not good.

In the book Be Careful What You Pray For, author Larry Dossey tells about an interesting study involving AIDS patients. Researchers found that some of the patients were living well beyond their anticipated life-span. Their secret - a common  personality pattern - was found in the answer to a single question: If a friend asked you to do a favor and you didn’t want to do it, could you refuse the request?

All of the long-term survivors said that, yes, they could refuse a friend.

Perhaps part of true authenticity is allowing a little of that God-given selfishness and self-preservation to bubble to the surface. Children (such as six-year-old girls) do this quite well and quite naturally, too. Grown-up girls, don’t do this so well. But extra-grown-up girls (middle-aged women) sometimes re-learn that a little selfishness can be good.

Women, as they age, start to shed the many layers of fake personas that the world (and/or society and/or parents, etc.) have forced them to cultivate. Buried underneath all those layers of regret and coulda/shoulda/wouldas, you’ll find a woman’s authenticity. And as that true self emerges, women start to find a little peace and a little joy and a little contentment. And that’s when their real beauty starts to shine. And that’s also when their self-esteem starts to recover.

And this helped me to understand another question that plagued me: Why are women so unhappy with themselves? Maybe it’s because they’re so busy playing so many roles for so many people that they have utterly forgotten what made their once-six-year-old heart sing with joy. While countless self-improvement books urge women to get outside of ourselves and focus more on someone else’s real needs, I know plenty of women who need to focus more on themselves, and less on the rest of the world.  As Dossey’s example shows, selfishness has salutary benefits too.

Conscious worth satisfies the hungry heart, and nothing else can. - Mary Baker Eddy

In the 1995 remake of the movie A Little Princess, there’s a scene where Miss Minchin, the black-hearted school marm, is confronted by Sara (the little princess). With an astonishing measure of boldness, Sara tells Miss Minchin that she is a princess and that all girls are princesses regardless of their station in life, their physical appearance, their intelligence or even their age. With innocent eyes, Sara stares into Miss Minchin’s hardscrabble face and asks her, “Didn’t your father ever tell you that? Didn’t he?”

Judging by the look in Miss Minchin’s eyes, she never heard those words or even that sentiment expressed by dear old Dad. And judging by the current epidemic of low self-esteem among women, I’d venture to guess that most of today’s fathers follow the parenting model of Miss Minchin’s dad, rather than Sara’s.

I have four basic theories regarding beauty and self-esteem, and the first is The Little Princess Theory of Beauty.

You are miles ahead of most of us if you were raised on a steady diet of compliments and kind words. Bonus points for hearing these compliments and kind words from a man with an important position in your life.  If your father (or a suitable alternate) told you that you were beautiful, you’re going to act, feel and behave like someone who is beautiful.

The self-confidence that has its roots in childhood is like the tap-root of an old, established tree, which in time, has grown down to the water table. Such a tree will not be adversely affected by the summer’s heat or prolonged drought or the other storms of life. Self-confidence that’s nurtured and developed in the early years is a powerful, enduring quality that lives on, completely independent of the mean-spirited opinion of others.

If I were queen of the world (and it shouldn’t be long now), I’d tell all the fathers of the world this one thing: “You possess the ability to make your daughter - your little girl - feel good and confident about herself and you wield a powerful influence over her ability to attract a desirable partner. Further, the man that she selects as her life partner - good, bad or horrific - will be determined largely by your words and actions. You’re teaching her what kind of man she should select, accept, or settle for. You have the potential to make her adult life perfectly lovely or unspeakably hellish. Open your eyes and your heart before you open your mouth and think about the far-reaching implications of your word choices.”

Read the rest of Rose’s book here.