This little ad for the Chicago and Alton rail line promises that they’re always on time. Look closely at the photo (below) and you’ll see that a woman appears to be sitting with the train’s engineer. Is *that* why this particular rail line is always on time?

Probably so.

This little ad appeard in the 1905 American Carpenter and Builder.

Close-up of the woman driver

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In just a few days, my newest book (co-authored with Dale Wolicki) will roll off the presses. Montgomery Ward’s Mail-Order Homes will be my 7th book. Writing is tough. This most recent work represents five years of steady effort. Kit homes are something about which I’m passionate. Good thing, because the financial benefits of writing aren’t that great.

In 2003, Illinois sponsored a gala event to honor the state’s authors. It was a black-tie affair with an elegant meal served on fine china edged with gold leaf. Only 50 authors were invited to attend and thanks to my book (The Houses That Sears Built), I was one of them. It was quite an honor.

There were three speakers at the formal dinner, all of whom (unlike me)  had hit the big time with their literary works. The first speaker spoke at length about the contributions of his beloved wife.

“Without her,” he told the audience as he gazed lovingly at his gorgeous wife, “I could never have accomplished this.”

I squirmed in my chair a bit. I’d already noticed that everyone had entered the spacious hall in pairs. And I thought about how the event organizer had pleaded with me to find someone to bring along. Now I understood.

The next speaker was a woman who followed the first author’s lead, and also waxed eloquent about her husband’s specific advice and honest encouragement and how she could never have done it without him.

Third speaker. Same talk, different body. And that’s when I excused myself and went into the bathroom. I don’t like crying in public. Leaning over the glistening white sink and staring into the oversized mirror, I told myself, “When I write the book that hits the big time, and someone asks me how I did it, I am never going to say that I could not have done this without a romantic partner in my life.”

I know the speakers’ comments were innocuous and well-intended, but to the lone unattached, one-partner-shy-of-a-full-pair woman in the audience, it was a neon-sign that flashed, “Writers are without hope unless they’re in love.” My dating life and my romantic life were already in the ash heap. Was it really necessary to throw my dreams of a magnificent career onto the smoldering ruins too?

That was seven years ago. Now, I’m re-married and yes, the new husband has been an incredible blessing in my writing career. But if my newest book on Wardway Homes hits the big time, I get invited to address a large audience, I don’t think I’ll say that I never could have done it without him.

I’m just not willing to believe that there’s always a romantic partner behind every successful woman.

As most single women know, there are a lot of rules for dating, and those “rules” are probably one of the reasons that I had 70 first dates. For instance, a girl should never call a fellow. In fact, when the fellow calls, the girl should ignore him for a time until he becomes more desperate. That’s just the way men are wired. They need to chase. They like to win. It’s a testosterone thing.

Wrong. Wrong, Wrong.

It was these so-called rules that about drove me to drink.  And trying to follow those rules - trying to play a part that wasn’t true to my nature was emotional torture, with extra heapings of misery and angst. It wasn’t until I was ready to abandon those rules that my life became sweeter, simply and above all, authentic.

When I stopped playing games, when I stopped following all the so-called advice, my life turned a corner. And when I found a man that I admired and respected, I chased him like a dog running after a bus.

Women do not need another “how to find a good man” book with more advice on how they should “act.” If you invest your best energies in being real and authentic, there’ll be no need to devote any energy to acting. My friend Pamela was right when she told me, “Exude confidence and peace and joy and men will sense it. Inner beauty really does magnetize.”

In Gloria Steinem’s book,  Revolution From Within, she wrote, “As many women can testify [getting a man to fall in love with you] is alarmingly easy, provided you’re willing to play down who you are and play up who he wants you to be” (p. 264).

She goes on to explain why her marriage, which had been based on playing a part that wasn’t true to herself, ultimately failed.

“Having got this man to fall in love with an inauthentic me, I had to keep on not being myself.”

Current dating wisdom is very focused on getting a man to fall in love with you, even if it means that you have to bind and gag your very soul. Such a relationship is not only unsustainable, but is usually misery for all parties involved, and always miserable for the woman who’s putting on the show. And these mental games take up an enormous amount of space on our emotional hard-drive. Been there, done that, and have the t-shirt, wet with tears.

If you want to glow with a warm, sincere luminosity that has the potential to be irresistible to all men with two brain lobes to rub together, visit that land (or that time) when you were real.

Remember the children’s story, The Velveteen Rabbit? The wizened old Skin Horse was the real hero in that story and he also had the secret to success in internet dating.

The Skin Horse told Rabbit, “Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

Beauty - true beauty - is about being real. It’s about becoming the real person that our Creator intended us to be.

Or as the poet Robert Browning said, “No need to make yourself over. Just make the best of what God has made.”

Be real. Be authentic. And ignore those rules.

Worked for me.

Next:  Good Christian Man Wants Good Christian Woman for Friday Night Booty Call!

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When I finally abandoned all the "rules" for women and dating, in short, when I became authentic and real, I found true love.